Kate
Kate and her husband had a birth child and wanted to grow their family through adoption. She talked to us about her experience of the process and life with two daughters.
“I grew up with my mum’s partner looking after me and I always just called him my dad. As I got older I thought how amazing it was that someone can care for a child - as the man I called ‘dad’ cared for me - without a genetic connection. So, after my husband and I had our birth daughter, we wanted to grow our family but looked into doing it a different way. We started looking into adoption and the more we learned, the more it felt like the right thing to do.
Learning about adoption
The training as part of Stage 1 felt out of context at the time because we didn’t know what our child was going to be like, or even if we were going to go through to the next phase. The content around trauma and attachment was really interesting, but what surprised me most was around the landscape of adoption in the UK. I had never imagined the number of children in care or waiting. Of course we were already interested in adoption by this stage but when we realised the number of children that needed a home, we thought why on earth would we have another birth child when there are already so many out there that need looking after.
My husband had concerns that he wouldn’t love an adopted child as much as we loved our birth child but, after the way my mum’s partner raised me, I felt a lot less worried about this.
Starting Stage 2 with Adoption Counts
I found this stage of the process really intense. I feel like I cried in nearly every session and it felt like therapy in some ways but our social worker was amazing. Sometimes we would ask her why she was asking specific questions and she’d always explain the reasoning behind it. I know others who have adopted who have called this process ‘intrusive’ but we never had that feeling – it was intense and emotional but nothing felt unnecessary.
As we already had a birth child, Olivia, on one session our social worker chatted with her on her own. It was lovely to have her as part of the process and for months afterwards Olivia talked about it. She felt like she was actively involved and we always kept her in the loop.
Finding a child on Link Maker
After being approved at panel we were sent a few possible matches by our social worker and expressed an interest in some children’s profiles, but none of these worked out. A few months in we were given access to Link Maker, which is the online platform for adopters and social workers to help make matches, including those out of our area.
When we saw Elena’s profile on Link Maker something just felt different. I can’t really explain it, but we really connected with the information and the photos. I am Black Caribbean and my husband is Caucasian. We both grew up in Spain and Elena is a Spanish name, and she is a mixed race child. She looked so happy in her photos and was a beautiful little girl. I don't know how to say why we thought she was going to be our daughter, but it just felt like she was.
Elena was at high risk of Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and although we could remember some bits from our training, we asked our social worker lots of questions about what impact this might have on her as she grew up.
“I would always tell people to find out more about adoption before ruling themselves out.
Maybe if you find out a bit more about what adoption is actually like then your concerns will disappear the minute you look into it.”
- Kate
Meeting Elena
When we first met Elena we were at her foster carers. I found it really overwhelming to see her for the first time. She had come down from her nap and I just cried when she came into the room. She was so lovely and seeing her for the first time was so special.
Another time we brought Olivia to meet Elena. We were a bit worried before how they might get on but the two of them played together so well. Elena kept holding Olivia’s hand and was taking her to see her toys. We still have the photo on our fridge of that day when the two sisters met and they’re hugging each other.
Family life
Elena and Olivia are four years apart and they have a very standard sibling relationship which is a mix of love and arguments. The girls like to go everywhere together and I can’t imagine one without the other. They even like to wear matching clothes which is something I was never keen on as a parent but they love it!
When we meet new people and it comes up that one of our daughters is adopted; people tend to assume it’s our birth daughter, Olivia, who is the adopted one because of the physical similarities between Elena and myself. It always makes me smile.
FASD and accessing adoption support
As Elena is getting older she is showing some traits of FASD but Olivia is great at helping to support her little sister. We’ve done some training with Adoption Counts around the area, as well as on topics such as therapeutic play. Elena is currently at nursery but we’ve already started talking to the school about her transition and how her suspected FASD might impact her.
A message for prospective adopters
All types of parenting can be challenging, but it’s definitely going to be just as wonderful if you have a child through adoption or biologically. Growing your family through adoption means so much more for someone who's already in this world, and who might need a family just like yours.
I would always tell people to find out more about adoption before ruling themselves out. Maybe if you find out a bit more about what adoption is actually like then your concerns will disappear the minute you actually look into it.
Right now, I'm excited to see how the girls grow up and curious to see the young adults they become. My husband’s concerns about not loving an adopted child as much as a birth child didn’t come true. They are both amazing in such different ways and we feel very lucky that that we get to have them as our children.”