Sarah and Paul
Sarah and her husband, Paul, were in their late-40s when they decided to start the adoption process. They already had a birth daughter, via IVF, and wanted their family to grow.
We spoke to Sarah about her experience of adoption.
“We were very lucky to have our daughter with our first attempt at IVF but when subsequent cycles failed, we felt like our family unit wasn’t quite complete.
We started looking into adoption when our daughter, Sally, was about three. At first I made a few trepidatious calls to adoption agencies but I didn't really follow them up. It felt like a huge decision to make. Eventually we went to a meeting and that’s when the whole process started.
Sarah and Paul’s adoption process
I was dreading the training. I thought it would be really uncomfortable, sitting round with other people talking about our feelings but actually, it was absolutely fantastic. We were with other people who were just out of this world. We had a bit of a laugh and it was utterly lovely.
I was pleasantly surprised about the whole process actually. It's not easy, but it was nowhere near as difficult as I thought it was going to be.
After finishing the preparation training you have a lot of time with your social worker. I sometimes felt like we didn’t quite connect, but on the day of our panel our social worker was just fantastic. And I realised to myself that her professional approach was because she was just so good at her job. She was just as emotional as we were because she was so pleased for us to become parents again. She and all of our family were crying with happiness.
We were told that because we had a birth child already, that it would take quite a while to find a suitable adoptive child and so I was resigned to waiting.
And then I will never forget, as long as I live, that I was driving from a job in Warrington, in the pouring rain. This was about five months after being approved. I was trying to get out of a line of traffic and I got this call and it was from our social worker. She said we had a match and I remember thinking, what am I supposed to do now?!
Meeting Daniel
Not long after that first call our social worker came round and she told us that we’d been matched with a little boy who was two. This was in early October, and she told me that we’d be getting him by December.
And I remember not hearing anything else she said after that, like I was in a film or something where you can see their lips moving but can’t take anything in, just thinking that we would have a son by Christmas.
Then we had two weeks of meeting Daniel at his foster carers - who I will still say are the most magnificent people I have ever encountered – to build a relationship with him.
In our preparation training another adopter had told me at a session I went to, to not expect “a shaft of light and music and to think ‘Oh my God, I'm in love with this child’” the first time you see them. And that’s how it was for us. I saw him and thought, he’s a lovely kid, but I didn’t have that strike of lightning. I’m very glad someone had prepared me for this!
For us the love grew, for both my husband and I, but also with our daughter as a family.
“I remember first meeting him at our house and he sat and watched the bin men. He was such a lovely little boy.” - Sarah
Birth children and adopted children
My daughter and son are now 16 and 11. And I am immensely proud to say that Daniel and Sally are exactly like me and my sister were at their age - in that they fight like cat and dog but love each other fiercely! I said to them just the other day that there is not a teenager in Britain that doesn’t find their sibling annoying sometimes, but I think that’s testament to the very traditional sibling bond they have built.
I know some people will worry that having had a birth child, that they won't love the other child as much and that is totally not the case. I love both my children equally and think nothing more or less of either of them in terms of who they both are.
Being open and honest
Daniel has always known he’s adopted. Every now and then he asks questions about it and I explain to him that his birth mummy loved him very much, it just wasn’t safe for her to look after him. I know there will be phases in his life, such as his teens, where this might be more difficult for him to process, but by talking it through we will get through it together.
A message for other potential adopters
You don't have to be a ‘perfect parent’ type of person or mother earth. You just have to be willing to be patient and open, and to know that there’s a bit of a hill to climb, but it's well worth it.
If anyone is thinking about starting the process I would say just go for it. It takes a while, and none of us are getting any younger, but if adoption isn’t right for you, the process will tell you that. It's a huge decision. But you will be helped to make the right one.
